We all know the profound feeling of being truly heard—the way it can calm our fears, clarify our thoughts, and make us feel seen. As coaches, our ability to create transformative spaces for others hinges on the depth of our listening, which can unlock new insights, foster trust, and drive meaningful change.
So, what does it mean to listen well? This article explores three levels of listening—attentive, connected and resonant— and how they can be used to create a fluid and adaptive approach to coaching.
1. Attentive Listening: Following the Narrative
At the surface level, listening is about hearing the melody of a conversation—the narrative of a story. As a coach, it involves reflecting back what you have heard, clarifying details, and ensuring the client feels understood and validated.
Example in Practice
A client says: "I feel overwhelmed by my workload. There’s so much to do, and I don’t even know where to start."
The coach reflects: "It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed and unsure about where to begin."
Why and When to Use It
Why: To create a foundation of trust and demonstrate attentiveness.
When: At the start of a session or when the client needs to feel understood and acknowledged, or at the end of a session to recap and clarify next steps.
Benefits and Limitations
Benefits: Validates the client’s experience and ensures clarity.
Limitations: If overused, it can feel mechanical or fail to move the conversation forward.
2. Connected Listening: Deepening the Narrative
As you listen more closely, harmonies, rhythms, and patterns emerge, adding depth to the narrative. This level of listening involves noticing themes, patterns, and connections across a conversation. As a coach, it’s about weaving together the threads of what the client is sharing to help them see the bigger picture.
Example in Practice
Over the course of a session, a client shares:
"I feel like I’m always the one stepping in to fix issues on the team."
"I want to delegate more, but I worry things will fall apart if I do."
"I’ve been trying to balance being supportive with holding people accountable."
The coach integrates these threads and responds: "I’m noticing a consistent theme of responsibility running through what you’ve shared—feeling like you need to step in, wanting to delegate, and balancing support with accountability. How do you think this responsibility influences your leadership style?"
Why and When to Use It
Why: To help clients uncover connections in their experiences and develop new insights.
When: When clients are exploring complex issues or recurring themes.
Benefits and Limitations
Benefits: Brings coherence to the client’s narrative and opens pathways for deeper exploration.
Limitations: Requires careful timing and sensitivity to not foreclose the narrative.
3. Resonant Listening: Immersed in the Narrative
At its deepest level, listening is like being fully immersed in the narrative—not just hearing it but feeling it resonate through you. Deep listening involves attuning to the client’s full presence: their words, tone, energy, and the silences between their words. It also includes noticing your own bodily and emotional responses as a way of tuning in to unspoken, and often unconscious, communication.
Example in Practice
A client says, "I keep trying to get my team on board with this project, but they’re just not responding. It’s so frustrating." Their words are hurried, and they shift uncomfortably in their seat. As the listen, you feel a heaviness in your chest and a slight tension in your shoulders.
Instead of focusing solely on the words, the coach sits with the discomfort in the moment to sense what might being communicated.
The coach pauses and says: " I hear the frustration in your voice, but I also sense a deeper weight beneath it. It seems like there may be something more going on that’s influencing your reaction. Would you be open to exploring what’s underneath this frustration?"
As the client reflects, they share that they feel unsupported by the leaders in their organisation, which amplifies their self-doubt.
Why and When to Use It
Why: To create space for emotions and dynamics that aren’t immediately articulated. This enables profound insights and shifts.
When: When the spoken content doesn’t fully capture the emotional energy in the room or when subtle cues suggest a deeper story.
Benefits and Limitations
Benefits: Fosters a transformative space for the client to access hidden emotions and insights.
Limitations: Demands skill, presence, and comfort with ambiguity on the part of the coach.
The Fluidity of Listening
While these levels of listening are distinct, they are not hierarchical. Instead, they complement each other, allowing us to move fluidly between them based on the client's needs and the natural flow of the conversation. In fact, as coaches, we often begin with resonant listening—attuning to the client’s presence and energy—and then shift to attentive or connected listening as the conversation evolves.
Just as music draws us in with its melody, invites us to notice its layers, and ultimately envelops us in its resonance, effective listening requires us to move seamlessly between these levels, creating a rich and meaningful experience for the client.
Take a moment to reflect on your own listening practice:
How often do you find yourself listening at each of these levels in your coaching conversations?
What helps you transition between them smoothly?
Can you recall a time when you felt truly heard? What made that experience impactful, and how can you integrate that into your own practice as a listener?
By reflecting on both your own listening and the times you’ve been deeply listened to, you can continue to hone your ability to create spaces where transformative insights and connections can emerge.
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